Love and trust


Hello few readers of mine,

Has it really been six months since my last post? How terribly Deborah of me. I do this, don't I? That's a rhetorical question. I haven't been at a loss of ideas, whatsoever. In fact, I've actually had quite a lot of ideas to write about. Things that I should have written about, if not to make my blog slightly less pathetic, then for myself. I have to write things down to make sense of my thoughts and I have to write things down to distract myself from being afraid to think them. Does that make sense? It's almost like I'm too afraid to let my mind go to certain places. In the past I've let my mind run wild and I've put mirrors in front of myself and, although it's always been very helpful, it's been terrifying.

Hence, this blogpost. And Lord, have mercy, I hope no one I knows reads this, but here we go. Months back, maybe at the end of 2015, I watched a video of a certain beautiful and sassy girl called Chanel. And my heart prayed a prayer. I asked God to let me meet the guy I'm going to marry before my 24st (I'm turning 24 in nine days), I asked him to let me be engaged by my 25th (I really, truly do not want this anymore), and married by my 26th (pleeaaaase, Lord, I've changed my mind). And ever since that prayer I've been excited and terrified at the same time. Some guys that I've met that I might find interesting I've kept at a distance, because I was so afraid that that would be him, and I didn't want to put down my guard. If you've read my previous posts on my relationship with God, you will have come to the conclusion that I am learning to let go of the past and I am learning to let God take over every aspect of my life. To be quite honest, it hasn't been as hard as I thought it would've been. Ever since my baptism in December 2015 it's come nearly natural to trust God with big aspects of my life, including my education and work situation. But then, something happened that I didn't really expect to happen. I've developed a crush.

I find guys attractive a lot. I mean, let's be honest here, girls (and guys that are gay), there are a lot of gorgeous men on this planet. But, I've always been able to stop myself from developing a crush, let alone real feelings (and I don't have real feelings, don't get excited). So, when I finally really noticed this guy, who has been in this church for far longer than I have, and I developed this crush I was shocked. I am a firm believer in being able to pick and choose who you're going to develop a crush on or develop feelings for. However, I was taken back by how easy it was to ignore my initial mental shoutings of STOP, TURN AROUND, THIS GUY MIGHT BE A LOVELY GUY THIS IS DANGEROUS. And with this crush comes a lot of thinking and analyzing. And what I learned is: I don't trust God with my future husband. I know that's a very harsh thing to say, but I even though I know I can trust Him with my future husband, there's this barrier between us two that's preventing me to give this part of my life to Him. So, what does this mean? Where do I go from here? To prayer naturally. I haven't prayed about this as much as I should have. Which I've been struggling with these past two months as well, I don't pray enough. And here's why: I'm afraid to hear what He has to say. I'm afraid of what He might show me. Afraid of the truth. The Bible has said it multiple times, and it's one of the things that pastors love to preach about, and God has placed this on my heart at many occasions (even right this second): God's plan for us is much greater and more beautiful and wonderful and magnificent than we could ever imagine. But, how do you go from thinking a certain way about love and marriage for nearly 24 years to being fearless in one of the most vulnerable situations you can find yourself in as a human being?

There are so many questions running through my mind as I think about the season I will most likely find myself in soon. Does it truly exist? Am I good enough for him? What do I want in a guy? What if I go for it and I end up heartbroken? But, am I good enough for him? What does he want in a girl? I know that God loves me and I know that He wants the best for me, but what if it does go bad? What if our marriage is bad as well? What if our children will experience us fighting all the time? What if I'm not good enough for him? How do other people find this so easy? Am I even pretty? What if I'm not remotely attractive to anyone? What if I'm the one person on the planet who nobody is interested in? And let it be clear that when I say 'him' I am not referring to the guy I have a teeny tiny crush on, I am referring to the guy I might not have even met yet that I might develop real feelings for, you know?

I was cycling home this Tuesday after church and hanging out with my friend, who btw is an atheist. And that friend even told me to pray about it. So, I got on my bike and started cycling and I prayed. I didn't pray for long or even with a lot of power, I just prayed. And I was listening to a christian song and I as I prayed and listened I let a total of two tears fall. The reason for that being that I was once again reminded of God's love for me and through that He'd never lead me into the arms of a man who will end up breaking my heart. And next to that, I cried because I don't really understand love. Are there people in my life that I love fearlessly? Unconditionally? I love my family and friends, of course I do, but I don't understand it. And I don't understand why they love me. I know that probably sounds incredibly and terribly sad, and I promise you I do not have low self esteem and I do not hate myself (I think I'm pretty dope to be honest), but how does a person trust another person enough to love them? Mindblown. Yes. YES! That's my issue! That's what makes this whole thing so confusing and difficult for me, it's not a love issue at all. It's a trust issue. How do we trust each other enough to love another? This is not a rhetorical question, btw. At what point do you decide that you can trust someone? Anyone? Your teachers? Your friends? Your family? Your significant other? At one point do you allow yourself to melt with them through love? To become a solid and steady part in each other's life, without living with the fear or the anticipation of them or you leaving?

I know all of this is a let go and let God issue. I know that the Bible says to guard my heart, but I am not guarding it right now. In fact, I am depriving it from all that God has for me. I am being so horribly human at this moment that I am shaking my head at myself. However, one positive to all of this... I'm not sure I've ever really thought about it and wanted to get to the core and kick its sorry ass as much I have and wanted now.

I'll write another post in ten days with an update.

Love (how weird does this word look right now),


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