Saying goodbye


Today I received a card from a friend. I didn't expect it. It's not my birthday, I didn't do anything special and there's no holiday going on. But I received that card from my friend. She mentioned six things that she loves about me. After I smiled until my cheeks hurt I took a shower and I cried. I don't remember when I last cried about something concerning myself. I cry for others, I cry for fictional deaths, but I don't cry for myself.

All my life I have been thinking people don't understand me or the troubles I have come to face over the years. I felt like people didn't really see me, that I'm here to help others and they're not here to help me, that it was my destiny to be this person. But I dreamt about being seen. I identified with Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy and Peyton Sawyer from One Tree Hill. I dreamt about being able to hold on to who I was at that moment and waited for my Cristina Yang and Brooke Davis, my Derek Shepherd and my Lucas Scott. And then in December someone I've met only a couple of months prior, someone with whom I never had a real and honest conversation, wrote me a note and she mentioned the things that I wished people saw. And then today my friend wrote me this card mentioning the things that I wished people saw. The things I wished I could be. And that's when it daunt on me. When people talk about me they mention wonderful things, they don't mention sadness, they don't look at me with sad eyes. They talk highly about me and they look at me with eyes of pride and happiness, they trust me, they tell me that they see Jesus in me, that I inspire them. I realised that it's not people who don't understand me or don't see me, it's that I don't see myself.

I was Meredith Grey and I was Peyton Sawyer. I was broken and hurt and I was damaged. But today I look back at the past couple of months of me trying to hold on to that person and I've come to realise that I haven't been that person in months. And though I am not particularly fond of change, not in my environment, not in updates on my phone or Facebook, and not in myself, but I am changing and I can't stop it. I am not fond of change but I am changing and I am embracing it. I'm not Meredith Grey and I am not Peyton Sawyer, I am neither of those people. And I don't have Cristina Yang, Brooke Davis and I don't have Derek Shepherd or Lucas Scott. I am Deborah and I am a child of God and I have someone so incredibly big and beautiful rooting and fighting for me every second of every day. I feel Him in my heart, in my life and in my changing body and soul.

I cried for myself today. I cried twice. I cried because I was afraid of change and I was afraid of God and my trust in Him. I sobbed, because I was so upset with myself that I couldn't let my guard down, not even for the one who loves me so fiercely. I cried and I let go and I don't feel weak. I always felt weak when I cried, I remembered my best friend died from being killed by dog and I heard about it on my 5th birthday and I couldn't allow myself to cry because I didn't want to seem weak. Today I cried and I felt relieved and I felt strong.

I just did something I've been afraid of since I was a toddler. I opened my heart and I was honest and I prayed so honestly. It felt great. I am saying goodbye to Meredith and Peyton, I'm going to lay them to rest.

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